Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe

A Memoir

Title: Gender Queer
Author: Maia Kobabe
Publisher: Lion Forge
Publication Year: 2019
ISBN: 9781549304002
Rating: 4.5 stars

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Note: this is a graphic novel memoir and author Maia Kobabe is gender queer and prefers the gender neutral Spivak pronouns (e/em/eir). I had not heard of the Spivak pronouns until I read this book, so I’ve been researching them and how they are used. In this post, I am doing my best to make sure to use these pronouns correctly, but as they are new to me, I may not use them correctly every time. I’m doing my best, but if you notice I’ve made a mistake, please feel free to correct me!

This memoir starts with a sort of preface that features Kobabe heading to San Francisco in 2013 to earn eir MFA in comics. As part of this degree Kobabe had to take a class in autobiography even though e was only interested in fiction writing and drawing. This preface shows em being resistant to open up and share eir secrets with the class and then the book cuts to the title page of the memoir.

The story jumps backward and forward in time showing Kobabe’s early childhood into school years, adolescence, and college. Kobabe was assigned female at birth (AFAB), but did not really have female gender roles forced upon em in eir childhood. However when Kobabe started first grade e felt really out of place because of eir somewhat sheltered childhood. This feeling was only worsened when Kobabe’s teachers and peers expected em to fulfill female gender roles that didn’t feel natural to em.

As Kobabe reached puberty, eir gender dysphoria only worsened as eir body developed female secondary sex characteristics and menstruation gave em extreme anxiety and increased dysphoria. E tried to find ways to feel comfortable in eir body like wearing more masculine clothing or refusing to shave eir legs, but still felt the societal pressure to conform which led to dangerous and uncomfortable ways of hiding what felt unnatural about eir body like only wearing long pants for years and wearing sports bras that were too small to act as a binder. When the topic of sexuality came up, Kobabe was even more confused. E experienced crushes on both boys and girls and while e found comfort in eir high school’s Queer-Straight Alliance, none of the labels really seemed to fit Kobabe’s experience. Many of Kobabe’s sexual fantasies involved having male genitalia and any thought of penetration made em feel physically ill, but at the same time e didn’t feel like e was a trans man.

Through years of experience and a lot of experimentation in uncomfortable situations, Kobabe finally realized what felt right to em was the label of gender queer: neither fully male or fully female but somewhere in the androgynous middle where e could express emself in a way that felt natural, but didn’t really fall into societal gender norms for either gender. Unfortunately being able to define eir gender identity didn’t solve everything for Kobabe. Because e is biologically female, e had to experience invasive medical procedures such as regular pap smears that only increased eir gender dysphoria and caused both physical and mental/emotional pain. E also struggled with dating and intimate relationships because of eir dysphoria.

Kobabe also experienced additional struggles such as explaining eir identity to eir family. Eir family first struggled to see the legitimacy of their gender identity and throughout the book continue to struggle in using the right pronouns. Kobabe also feels shy about coming out to others and correcting people when they use incorrect pronouns for fear of coming across as angry or a burden.

The story is not all struggle though. Kobabe also recounts joyous events like when e discovered chest binders or in talking to a family friend, finally found the pronouns that felt most natural form em. Kobabe’s sibling is also always there for em and is extremely helpful and supportive of eir journey. Kobabe also finds the joy of dressing in the most authentic and fun way after seeing fashion role models like Harry Styles wear whatever they want without worrying about conforming to gender norms.

The book ends with Kobabe teaching a drawing class to teenagers aged 11 to 14 who are primarily AFAB. E fears being open with eir students about eir pronouns and gender identity because of how the parents might react. However, e also starts to contemplate how a trans or nonbinary role model might have impacted em at that age in eir life when eir gender confusion came to the forefront. In the last panel of the last page, Kobabe is standing in front of an empty classroom after class thinking, “Next time. Next time I will come out.”

I loved this book and I thought it was especially poignant as a graphic novel. I think the medium allows the reader to see Kobabe through eir own eyes as e grew up, which showed eir transition and how for most of Kobabe’s life e looked like we’d picture a gender conforming person to look. It really emphasized that anyone you meet or know could be struggling with gender identity, which is a powerful reminder in a society that seems to be preset with two genders and all sorts of things you can or can’t do depending on which gender you are assigned. I also loved the way Kobabe used eir own body language throughout the panels to show eir struggle. In the beginning, we see the carefree body language of a child that doesn’t really have to think or conform to any roles. As e enters school and is encouraged to participate in eir societal gender role, we see em get less and less confident in eir posture and the way e holds eir body. Finally, as e recognizes, embraces, and finds joy in being nonbinary, the confident and happy body language returns.

Much like with Loveless, I found that I was woefully uninformed about the topic (gender spectrum and what it is like to not identify as the gender you were assigned). Obviously, I could never understand Kobabe’s experience first hand, but seeing the story told in pictures and the aforementioned clues in body language, helped reinforce Kobabe’s message. I also had no idea that there actually were gender neutral pronouns other than they/them. I had heard rumors of ze/zir pronouns, but I didn’t know if anyone actually used them. Not that my opinion matters on this topic, but I love the idea of singular gender neutral pronoun other than “it.” As an English nerd, I know that the English language is always growing and evolving, and using they/them pronouns for singular entities happens all the time and people rarely think about it until it has to do with gender, but I think we should be embracing nonbinary identities and having a set of singular non-gendered pronouns is a great way of normalizing it in our language and cuts out some of the grammatical confusion of using plural pronouns in singular instances. However, it does seem that there are a lot of options for gender neutral singular pronouns that I didn’t know about and that it’s not that simple to just pick one when they don’t all feel the same to the people who would use them. At the end of the day, I’m going to use whatever pronouns the person wants me to, but I think it would be cool to bring a singular gender neutral pronoun for people into the language.

I kind of love/hated the ending. I think it’s great that Kobabe is considering being honest with eir students about eir identity and if that is something e is really ready for, that’s wonderful. However, I think a lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community feel the need to be very public about who they are because they want to be the role models they didn’t have access to when they were growing up (again, these are just my thoughts and not something I have personal experience with). That is excellent if they are ready for it because representation and relatable role models are really necessary, but because of society, I think a lot of people in the community have experienced trauma surrounding their identities and sometimes put expectations on themselves that they haven’t healed enough to meet, which can worsen low feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. Kobabe beats emself up throughout the book for not living up to whatever e thinks e should be, and I fear that if Kobabe decides e needs to come out to eir students and then isn’t ready to do so, it will spiral like when e didn’t feel ready to correct people about eir pronouns. On the other hand, Kobabe feels real pain every time e is misgendered, so it would be freeing for em to be able to teach this class without experiencing that discomfort. I am choosing to hope that Kobabe is ready (I mean e published an entire book about it) and that it went well rather than adding to eir negative experiences.

I am glad this book exists and that Kobabe was brave enough to put emself out there for readers to see eir experience—both the struggles and the joys. I hope this book helps other people struggling with identity to be free to be their most authentic self and helps build compassion and understanding in people like me who have very limited experience with nonbinary identities. The story is beautiful and the art is beautiful and this one is definitely worth a read.